Sidenote: If you missed the previous poem you can view it here!
In my mind I can see your face so clearly
The years went by but it all still feels the same
I can live an eternity & I'll still miss you severely
Nothing can replace you, none of my fortune and fame
I gasp for air because you're not here
It's like your memory chokes me until I can't breathe
Losing you was always my biggest fear
Your memory haunts me, I can barely speak
I never thought it would all end like this
You, untouchable, while I suffer in silence
Living everyday is a hit or miss
There's an inner battle, I suffer the violence
Now I sit back and reminisce
Nostalgia sends me into a dark place
I'm so sorry you felt you had to go out like this
I would give it all just to see your face
And she's dying here without you
But I don't want to place blame
But there's nothing I can do
Nothing was ever the same
I can't breathe without you but I have no choice...
Here's the scene from RED that inspired Reminisce. It's Jackson's inner monologue after he holds a conversation with Peyton. RED is set to be released this Valentine's Day (February 14, 2015)! Any Peyton that is in bold letters refers to the Peyton from A Tragic Heart.
My time with Peyton results in me needing some alone time anyway. My stomach is in knots and there is a huge lump in my throat. I head to my room and lock the door. I close my eyes and exhale trying to make the pain go away but it’s stubborn. It wants to hang around for a little while longer.
Almost seventeen years later and the pain is still as arresting as it was the day I found out. That day when Mason called me to tell me that he found Taylor in a pool of her own blood with a giant knife sticking out of her chest. I didn’t want to believe that she took her own life, as it would have been easier to know that someone else was to blame. I hated blaming my own sister for her death.
I remember it so clearly. I couldn’t speak, my mouth was dry and the lump in my throat prevented me from forming words. This feeling that I am feeling right now is all too familiar.
My brain shut down on me. Taylor was my best friend and to hear Mason tell me that she was no longer with me was my biggest fear. I never imagined a world without Taylor. I’ve tried to several times before but the thoughts were in flashes. I never took the time to ponder how I would go on without her because I knew it would hurt too much.
I was angry. Why wouldn’t she call me like she normally did? Why didn’t she think of me? If she wasn’t going to stay for her baby girl, why not stay for me?
Matt, my bass guitarist had to pull me together. I had a show that night and it was too late to cancel. I had to go on stage in front of thousands of people and try my best to smile. I broke down during every break throughout the set. I guess that moment made me a stronger person because nothing could stop me from performing now. Performing through that circumstance taught me how to play through anything with a smile on my face.
Taylor was too young to take on the responsibilities she placed before herself. She should have enjoyed life as a teenager but I could understand why it was so difficult for her. So many unfortunate things happened to her before she reached her fifteenth birthday. I was her only confidant and when I left to tour after high school, she felt alone. Part of me blamed myself for her problems but I knew I had to live my life too. I just wished that there was something else I could have done. I did my best to stay in contact with her but some days were harder than others. She never understood just how much I loved her. Words weren’t enough.
I would take my own life just to save hers if I had a choice. At the funeral I could barely stand to look at her lying there. I wanted to believe that she was only sleeping and it was some sort of sick joke but my gut reminded me that it was all real. The truth is I almost didn’t show up. Mason forced me to come. I called him the day of the service to tell him that I wasn’t going. Ten minutes later he was at my doorstep forcing me to get ready. He told me that I’d regret it later.
I told him that the thought alone was killing me and I wouldn’t be able to take seeing her in that state. It didn’t make sense to me that I’d never see my little sister again. It didn’t make sense that I’d never hear her voice calling me ever again or that she no longer existed. It didn’t make sense to me that she would take her own life…although it made perfect sense to me.
She loved Peyton more than her own life. She loved him so much that she would choose selfishness over thinking about the ones who still loved her that were here on earth. She couldn’t have thought about what it would have done to me. She mentioned me in her suicide note but it wasn’t enough. She couldn’t tell me to stay strong and that she loved me if she was going to do something so drastic. She didn’t understand and every day I ask God to show her mercy because she didn’t know what she was doing. She wasn’t in her right mind. I ask Him every day to punish me rather than her. I deserve it more than she does. She was good throughout her lifetime. She made one irreversible mistake…just one. I plead all the time for Him to go easy on her. She needed grace more than anyone else I’ve ever come in contact with.
Peyton died in a tragic way. No one could have predicted it and everyone asked “why him?” He was only seventeen and had so much life ahead of him. He was supposed to be right next to me selling out arenas. The kid had undeniable talent that was out of this world. He obviously passed it onto his daughter. I think she’s more like him than Taylor. She has his hair and eyes…it’s almost scary. Anyone who knew Peyton could tell that she was all him. She has some of Taylor’s attitude and slight traits in her personality but her nature was every bit of her dad’s.
Her rebellious temperament, her musical ability, her wild ways are all Peyton. He slowed down a lot after meeting Taylor. In many ways she saved him too. Taylor always credited Peyton for her happiness but he claimed that he was a changed man because of her. He gave up his heavy drinking, drug use, partying and women just for her. He told me all about his past life before Taylor while we were on tour. In fact, his past life was eerily similar to his daughter’s present life.
We became really good friends and I looked forward to having him as a brother-in-law. I already saw him as the brother I never had. Damn, Peyton if you never left, Taylor would still be here and if Taylor was still here your daughter would be okay.
There’s no time to play the blaming game. All is how it is and there’s no changing that. We have to learn how to deal with the present without falling down…and if we fall we need to learn how to pick ourselves up. If not for ourselves, for someone who cares about us. I wish Taylor would have known that. I wish I would have told her that the day I visited her a little after Peyton was born. Maybe those words could have saved her life. She always thought highly of my opinions and advice.The pain that I’m feeling isn’t showing any signs of letting up anytime soon. My thoughts race a
million miles per hour leaving me sitting at the edge of my bed with tears falling from my eyes. And the pain never goes away...